We often come to therapy seeking resolution—seeking to “fix” what feels broken, what seems shameful, or what lies hidden in shadow. But what if healing is not about fixing at all? What if it is about remembering—remembering that all of who we are belongs?
In the therapeutic framework I offer through Core-Relate, healing is not a linear journey from dysfunction to perfection. It is an unfolding from fragmentation into wholeness. A returning to our essence—a Self that has never been divided, even when we feel split between light and dark, pride and shame, strength and softness.
The Polarity of Identity
In the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM), identity is explored not as a fixed trait, but as an adaptive constellation of responses shaped by early relationships. At the root of many struggles lie shame-based identifications—core beliefs such as “I am unworthy”, “I am a burden”, or “I don’t belong.”
To survive this internalized shame, we often develop what NARM calls pride-based counter-identities—ego ideals that present as confidence, competence, independence, or high achievement. These become the masks we wear to distance ourselves from pain.
As Heller & Lapierre write:
“In reaction to underlying shame, most people also develop pride-based counter-identifications—an ego ideal that reflects how they would like to be.”
Heller & Lapierre, 2012, p.14
This interplay between shame and pride is not pathology—it is a deeply intelligent adaptation. And yet, neither end of this spectrum defines who we are.
The Continuum of Being
Gestalt Therapist Paul Rebillot once said, “What we are not conscious of drives us. What we bring into awareness, we can choose to relate with.”
This principle is echoed in David Mann’s profound reflection:
“Every quality we possess is one end of a continuum, with the opposite end also residing within us as a potentiality.” (Mann, p.219)
In this view, confidence and self-doubt, tenderness and rage, humility and pride—these are not opposites to be battled or banished. They are poles on a spectrum of being, each containing wisdom, each holding a mirror to the whole.
A Mirror of Wholeness
As a therapist and coach, I am often graced with glimpses into the tender inner landscapes of my clients. I witness both the shame-based parts they have learned to disown and the pride-based parts they strive to maintain.
I do not see these as contradictions, but as reflections of a deeper unity—a wholeness that precedes and includes all polarities.
Rather than attempting to “resolve” these inner tensions, I invite clients into a different orientation:
To gently turn toward what is hidden.
To meet the edges with compassion.
To witness what has been split and begin to relate from the center.
This is what I call mirroring the whole. I hold the mirror not to reinforce identity, but to reveal what lies beneath it: the undivided truth of who we are.
We Are Not Just Our Adaptations
Your confidence is real.
Your doubt is valid.
Your longing, your grief, your fire, your stillness—all of it is alive within you.
Through the lens of polarity, we see that healing is not about choosing sides. It’s about remembering that you are the field in which all of it arises.
The goal is not to erase the ego ideal or rid ourselves of shame—it is to integrate, to include, to become more human, not less.
Returning to the Core
At Core-Relate, this is the essence of my work:
To awaken the inner agency that lives beyond identity.
To regulate the nervous system so it can safely hold both tenderness and power.
To embody the paradoxes of being human—without shame, without striving, but with deep presence.
We do not heal by becoming someone else.
We heal by becoming more fully ourselves.
If this resonates with you, I invite you into the work.
Whether you are navigating a moment of inner fragmentation or longing to reconnect with your deeper truth, the path of wholeness is not something we find. It is something we remember.
You are always and already Whole.